Who is this monster~

Who is this monster inside of me I can't seem to tell no~~
Captured and bound by past and present memories~also thoughts that just won't seem to let go~~
Hiding in shadows of others lives I wish I could live~~
Addictions, hurt and sorrow that just will not seem to give~~
They will not give they will not let go~~
Trapped inside a self of hell, this much I do know~~
Hurt as a child, no one to shelter you from them~~
Another type of monster, one that lives and breaths and hides~~
From that hurt this addiction did arise~~
You cry~~
You beg~~
You long to be free~~
Monster, you grabbed me and slowly pulled me in~~
You whispered lies to me and made me feel nothing~~
You made yourself my only friend~~
You never let me down until I needed more~~
You my old friend have now become my enemy~~
I do not like you anymore,I do not wish to hide~~
My old friend is my addiction, hidden deep inside~~
It's time for you to leave~~
I do not wish to have you around anymore~~
Over here monster~~
Come over here~~
Let me show you the door~~

My Groom

Sitting in silence Peace fills the room Sitting alone in silence waiting on my groom I am His bride He loves me so He calls me beautiful He tells me so Expressions of love They aren't just something you feel inside His love toward us became action For that He died His love He expressed For His bride He wants nothing but the best Oh how He loves us Broken and beaten Hung upon a cross Love enduring to eternity So that not one of us should be lost Death upon a cross Sacrifice He gave His life His blood streamed down His body His face In eternity with Him His bride now has a place Love came alive After death upon a cross He loves us He loves His bride His desire is that not one of us are lost You are We are Beautiful to Him We have life Receive Him in your heart Lift up your voice The groom loves His bride Everlasting life We have a choice I chose to accept Him I accepted my groom I will dwell with Him in heaven Someday very soon My groom has prepared a home for me This home has many rooms I love Him He loves me I will dwell with Him Dwell with Him very soon

It's not the end

3-13-11Jesus you hold my hand..Walking through life I see my past...Shame, hurt, guilt, worthlessness, abuse---demons---suicide--drugs----alcohol----I seen nothing...nothing but the end..

Tears stream down my face..Hopelessness trys to reside in me...All I can see is what the world, self and satan have labeled me...You speak to me...Beautiful one made in my image...Daughter...Beloved...I call you beautiful..I give you beauty for ashes...Your pain I will replace with joy...Look past those labels engraved deep inside...ones world, self and satan have tried to brand inside the intimate places I long to dwell....LOOK....tell me, what do you see.....................I see drops of blood, dripping from the mocked crowned head of a figure I cannot make out....
Daughter, Look....look closer...
I see a man..a beautiful man...broken, bleeding, shamed...the weight of the world..I can see it placed upon His shoulders....Jesus....it's you..My Lord...My Lord...My Lord..
The blood..the bruises..your face I could not recognize....Why My Lord...Why....
You answered me...LOVE..I love you...I desire for you to reside with me in eternity..I desire for you to be free from all that has been labled upon  you...............I love you............
..I died so that when you look and think you see nothing but the end look again...I will be there..I made you a new begininng on that cross...My life child, I freely gave for you..My death is your new beginning..












 

I praise You

5-15-09Thank you Jesus for that which you have done and continue to do. Thank you!
I know you are here even though I don't feel your presence. In sadness and pain, sorrow and shame, you are with me.
Thank you Jesus.
My body is broken and my mind is weary, yet I will praise you for you never leave me.
My life in the eyes of others isn't full but I know with you even in death there is life to come.
Many around me cry, many tears fall but oh sweet Jesus if they only knew what I know. Tears would be turned to joy and instead of sorrow they would rejoice.
Spirit of death is not upon me but spirit of life is upon me and within me.
I praise you! Thank you Life giver, Life Sustainer..I praise you.
Thank you Jesus. I praise you.

A New Start

June 7, 2010     This is a random message thought...I don't know it's just me writing.
Sometimes life hits so hard it knocks the wind out of you. Often it's to due with many things that are our own fault. Laying there breathless on the ground just to whimper out what seems like defeated cry to Father God. So broken ..You feel so twisted and stomped on by your own choices you don't know what to do. Feels as if years of steady walking with Father have been stolen right from you. So filled with shame and guilt for you have fallen back and done things you promised God you would never do. SOMEHOW...JUST SOMEHOW you manage to stand to your feet and cry out to Jesus all the more louder...JESUS...HELP..Our words are not as poetic as they once were while crying out to Jesus.. Stand with tears streaming down our face..Standing in shame but also knowing He still loves us...Standing in fear now...Not fear that Father will strike us down but fear of saying the wrong thing again..Praying...but letting God know you will not make another promise for you know you very well may end up being a liar like many times before..Standing stripped naked of all pride...Frozen in the moment and all you can feel and see is how you messed up..Knowing good and well God forgives you but you feel as if you NEED to beat yourself up for a while BECAUSE you know how wrong you have been and how far you have walked crawled and ran from Jesus..You feel the wind of forgiveness gentle brush you face but you turn just to cry out Father God I'm sorry...Wanting to embrace the forgiveness He extends to you in the moment but STILL wanting to beat yourself up..So guilt ridden...So shamed...So hurt and confused..All due to listening to self and others around you..You have once again managed to drag yourself down a road you thought you had dealt with and you thought you would never have a thought of taking again.....STAND...CRYING..HELD CAPTIVE BY YOUR OWN MIND...YOUR OWN THOUGHTS...Once again you feel the gentle brush of forgiveness upon your face ..You turn toward Jesus who stands there waiting SOOOO PATIENLY..His arms held open wide...oh how peaceful it looks...feels...Without moving His lips He speaks to your heart...calms your mind..He asks....WILL YOU let me forgive you?..WILL YOU..Over whelmed that He isn't throwing in your face all you have done and have been doing..Tears fall even more as you open your mouth and say YES...Forgive me Jesus..I am sooo sorry I have walked away..Jesus I am sorry...I don't want to be noticed by people...I don't care if I ever have a spiritual gift in the world...I don't care if I am never known by anyone...I DO CARE IF I STAY THE WAY I AM...I don't want be like I once was...Even walking with you claiming to have this and that from You....Jesus I want nothing if it means staying the way I am and risking walking away from you again....I don't want what others think I need I want what you want me to have...
I don't want to speak useless words just to sit and wonder later if I even believe what was said...Forgive me Jesus...I HAVE BEEN SO WRONG...My peace is in You and You alone....I KNOW I would rather live with nothing and have you than have everything and not have you at all...
I accept your forgiveness and I know I am not the only ones who has dealt with these emotions...I can see it daily on the faces o so many sad hurting people...Ones who know you and ones who don't know you...
How sweet it is to be forgiven by You...To be loved by you...I am human and I fall and I fail often....And I know I will be asking forgiveness again for things that I will do....Jesus just clear the confusion in my mind and in the mind of others who deal with things in life that knock us flat on our face...Help us know we haven't gone to far and that you are willing to forgive us...Thank you Jesus...Thank you for a new start..

Ahead

written:8-29-10  Look ahead, do not look behind you..For past is past, present is now and future is to come..Behold, for I am doing a new thing..
Do not be blinded by circumstances or issues that rise in life. I have not left you to walk alone.
Wherever you go I am there.You cannot escape My presence or the call upon your life.
You do not nor have you ever walked alone.I go before you and clear the path in front of your feet.
As you step out and put one foot in front of the other, it is my footsteps you walk in.I have cleared the way, I have set angels to your left and to your right, I stand before you and behind you. You are not unprotected. You are not without help. Feel the breeze of my presence, my protection surrounds you with every step you take. Do not look behind you, only ahead of you.
Where you came from and what you have been through doesn't define who you are. Your past was a set up for the marvelous future ahead of you.
Walk child, walk...I am with you..

Thank You Father

Days go by Father God and I feel so alone but I know you are so close. Many times I ran from you and in my despair felt as if you left me. You never left me for it was me who ran. I ran back to the world and the nothingness it had to offer me.
Father God thank you for keeping your arms open to me inspite of myself and what I have done to you and many others.
I run from darkness..I keep a steady pace now running to the light. You Father God are the light.
For a while I had hidden in the darkness concealing my shame and wicked ways from all the people around me, but you oh Lord, you seen it all. You seen as I was bent over backwards in sin, shame and hurt. You were there. Thank you!
You stood by me Father and never hid yourself from me.
In my darkness I seen light but I continued to run from it. Deeper and deeper I plunged into the life myself and satan had created. For a while I felt sorry for myself..For a while I gave up hope..I never lost it Lord I gave it up. Now once again I possess that hope.
I now know I have a place to stand, for I know you stand right beside me. I stand with my head held high.
I ask you Father, if I begin to fall catch me.
Comfort me when I hurt.
Heal me in any sickness.
Deliver me Father from things that claim to have a hold on me.
Fill me with your compassion, your love, strenght, joy.
Sustain this life you have given me.
Make me a person after your own heart Father.
Help me to look at others and see them as you do. Someone created in your image who you love dearly.
Remind me how you cried for Lazarus everytime sorrow comes.
Remind me how you washed the feet of others when I become full of pride.
Remind me Lord of you...Remind me of you on the cross everytime I feel life is not worth living
or I feel as if no longer want to breath another breath.
Teach me Father God how precious life is to you.
Paint a picture in my spirit and in my mind of all you have done for me and continue to do.

Father, what I mean to say is forgive me for all I have done to you and others and teach me your ways and yours alone.
Father I'm coming home.
Thank you for leaving a light on.