A New Start

June 7, 2010     This is a random message thought...I don't know it's just me writing.
Sometimes life hits so hard it knocks the wind out of you. Often it's to due with many things that are our own fault. Laying there breathless on the ground just to whimper out what seems like defeated cry to Father God. So broken ..You feel so twisted and stomped on by your own choices you don't know what to do. Feels as if years of steady walking with Father have been stolen right from you. So filled with shame and guilt for you have fallen back and done things you promised God you would never do. SOMEHOW...JUST SOMEHOW you manage to stand to your feet and cry out to Jesus all the more louder...JESUS...HELP..Our words are not as poetic as they once were while crying out to Jesus.. Stand with tears streaming down our face..Standing in shame but also knowing He still loves us...Standing in fear now...Not fear that Father will strike us down but fear of saying the wrong thing again..Praying...but letting God know you will not make another promise for you know you very well may end up being a liar like many times before..Standing stripped naked of all pride...Frozen in the moment and all you can feel and see is how you messed up..Knowing good and well God forgives you but you feel as if you NEED to beat yourself up for a while BECAUSE you know how wrong you have been and how far you have walked crawled and ran from Jesus..You feel the wind of forgiveness gentle brush you face but you turn just to cry out Father God I'm sorry...Wanting to embrace the forgiveness He extends to you in the moment but STILL wanting to beat yourself up..So guilt ridden...So shamed...So hurt and confused..All due to listening to self and others around you..You have once again managed to drag yourself down a road you thought you had dealt with and you thought you would never have a thought of taking again.....STAND...CRYING..HELD CAPTIVE BY YOUR OWN MIND...YOUR OWN THOUGHTS...Once again you feel the gentle brush of forgiveness upon your face ..You turn toward Jesus who stands there waiting SOOOO PATIENLY..His arms held open wide...oh how peaceful it looks...feels...Without moving His lips He speaks to your heart...calms your mind..He asks....WILL YOU let me forgive you?..WILL YOU..Over whelmed that He isn't throwing in your face all you have done and have been doing..Tears fall even more as you open your mouth and say YES...Forgive me Jesus..I am sooo sorry I have walked away..Jesus I am sorry...I don't want to be noticed by people...I don't care if I ever have a spiritual gift in the world...I don't care if I am never known by anyone...I DO CARE IF I STAY THE WAY I AM...I don't want be like I once was...Even walking with you claiming to have this and that from You....Jesus I want nothing if it means staying the way I am and risking walking away from you again....I don't want what others think I need I want what you want me to have...
I don't want to speak useless words just to sit and wonder later if I even believe what was said...Forgive me Jesus...I HAVE BEEN SO WRONG...My peace is in You and You alone....I KNOW I would rather live with nothing and have you than have everything and not have you at all...
I accept your forgiveness and I know I am not the only ones who has dealt with these emotions...I can see it daily on the faces o so many sad hurting people...Ones who know you and ones who don't know you...
How sweet it is to be forgiven by You...To be loved by you...I am human and I fall and I fail often....And I know I will be asking forgiveness again for things that I will do....Jesus just clear the confusion in my mind and in the mind of others who deal with things in life that knock us flat on our face...Help us know we haven't gone to far and that you are willing to forgive us...Thank you Jesus...Thank you for a new start..