Who is this monster~

Who is this monster inside of me I can't seem to tell no~~
Captured and bound by past and present memories~also thoughts that just won't seem to let go~~
Hiding in shadows of others lives I wish I could live~~
Addictions, hurt and sorrow that just will not seem to give~~
They will not give they will not let go~~
Trapped inside a self of hell, this much I do know~~
Hurt as a child, no one to shelter you from them~~
Another type of monster, one that lives and breaths and hides~~
From that hurt this addiction did arise~~
You cry~~
You beg~~
You long to be free~~
Monster, you grabbed me and slowly pulled me in~~
You whispered lies to me and made me feel nothing~~
You made yourself my only friend~~
You never let me down until I needed more~~
You my old friend have now become my enemy~~
I do not like you anymore,I do not wish to hide~~
My old friend is my addiction, hidden deep inside~~
It's time for you to leave~~
I do not wish to have you around anymore~~
Over here monster~~
Come over here~~
Let me show you the door~~

My Groom

Sitting in silence Peace fills the room Sitting alone in silence waiting on my groom I am His bride He loves me so He calls me beautiful He tells me so Expressions of love They aren't just something you feel inside His love toward us became action For that He died His love He expressed For His bride He wants nothing but the best Oh how He loves us Broken and beaten Hung upon a cross Love enduring to eternity So that not one of us should be lost Death upon a cross Sacrifice He gave His life His blood streamed down His body His face In eternity with Him His bride now has a place Love came alive After death upon a cross He loves us He loves His bride His desire is that not one of us are lost You are We are Beautiful to Him We have life Receive Him in your heart Lift up your voice The groom loves His bride Everlasting life We have a choice I chose to accept Him I accepted my groom I will dwell with Him in heaven Someday very soon My groom has prepared a home for me This home has many rooms I love Him He loves me I will dwell with Him Dwell with Him very soon

It's not the end

3-13-11Jesus you hold my hand..Walking through life I see my past...Shame, hurt, guilt, worthlessness, abuse---demons---suicide--drugs----alcohol----I seen nothing...nothing but the end..

Tears stream down my face..Hopelessness trys to reside in me...All I can see is what the world, self and satan have labeled me...You speak to me...Beautiful one made in my image...Daughter...Beloved...I call you beautiful..I give you beauty for ashes...Your pain I will replace with joy...Look past those labels engraved deep inside...ones world, self and satan have tried to brand inside the intimate places I long to dwell....LOOK....tell me, what do you see.....................I see drops of blood, dripping from the mocked crowned head of a figure I cannot make out....
Daughter, Look....look closer...
I see a man..a beautiful man...broken, bleeding, shamed...the weight of the world..I can see it placed upon His shoulders....Jesus....it's you..My Lord...My Lord...My Lord..
The blood..the bruises..your face I could not recognize....Why My Lord...Why....
You answered me...LOVE..I love you...I desire for you to reside with me in eternity..I desire for you to be free from all that has been labled upon  you...............I love you............
..I died so that when you look and think you see nothing but the end look again...I will be there..I made you a new begininng on that cross...My life child, I freely gave for you..My death is your new beginning..












 

I praise You

5-15-09Thank you Jesus for that which you have done and continue to do. Thank you!
I know you are here even though I don't feel your presence. In sadness and pain, sorrow and shame, you are with me.
Thank you Jesus.
My body is broken and my mind is weary, yet I will praise you for you never leave me.
My life in the eyes of others isn't full but I know with you even in death there is life to come.
Many around me cry, many tears fall but oh sweet Jesus if they only knew what I know. Tears would be turned to joy and instead of sorrow they would rejoice.
Spirit of death is not upon me but spirit of life is upon me and within me.
I praise you! Thank you Life giver, Life Sustainer..I praise you.
Thank you Jesus. I praise you.

A New Start

June 7, 2010     This is a random message thought...I don't know it's just me writing.
Sometimes life hits so hard it knocks the wind out of you. Often it's to due with many things that are our own fault. Laying there breathless on the ground just to whimper out what seems like defeated cry to Father God. So broken ..You feel so twisted and stomped on by your own choices you don't know what to do. Feels as if years of steady walking with Father have been stolen right from you. So filled with shame and guilt for you have fallen back and done things you promised God you would never do. SOMEHOW...JUST SOMEHOW you manage to stand to your feet and cry out to Jesus all the more louder...JESUS...HELP..Our words are not as poetic as they once were while crying out to Jesus.. Stand with tears streaming down our face..Standing in shame but also knowing He still loves us...Standing in fear now...Not fear that Father will strike us down but fear of saying the wrong thing again..Praying...but letting God know you will not make another promise for you know you very well may end up being a liar like many times before..Standing stripped naked of all pride...Frozen in the moment and all you can feel and see is how you messed up..Knowing good and well God forgives you but you feel as if you NEED to beat yourself up for a while BECAUSE you know how wrong you have been and how far you have walked crawled and ran from Jesus..You feel the wind of forgiveness gentle brush you face but you turn just to cry out Father God I'm sorry...Wanting to embrace the forgiveness He extends to you in the moment but STILL wanting to beat yourself up..So guilt ridden...So shamed...So hurt and confused..All due to listening to self and others around you..You have once again managed to drag yourself down a road you thought you had dealt with and you thought you would never have a thought of taking again.....STAND...CRYING..HELD CAPTIVE BY YOUR OWN MIND...YOUR OWN THOUGHTS...Once again you feel the gentle brush of forgiveness upon your face ..You turn toward Jesus who stands there waiting SOOOO PATIENLY..His arms held open wide...oh how peaceful it looks...feels...Without moving His lips He speaks to your heart...calms your mind..He asks....WILL YOU let me forgive you?..WILL YOU..Over whelmed that He isn't throwing in your face all you have done and have been doing..Tears fall even more as you open your mouth and say YES...Forgive me Jesus..I am sooo sorry I have walked away..Jesus I am sorry...I don't want to be noticed by people...I don't care if I ever have a spiritual gift in the world...I don't care if I am never known by anyone...I DO CARE IF I STAY THE WAY I AM...I don't want be like I once was...Even walking with you claiming to have this and that from You....Jesus I want nothing if it means staying the way I am and risking walking away from you again....I don't want what others think I need I want what you want me to have...
I don't want to speak useless words just to sit and wonder later if I even believe what was said...Forgive me Jesus...I HAVE BEEN SO WRONG...My peace is in You and You alone....I KNOW I would rather live with nothing and have you than have everything and not have you at all...
I accept your forgiveness and I know I am not the only ones who has dealt with these emotions...I can see it daily on the faces o so many sad hurting people...Ones who know you and ones who don't know you...
How sweet it is to be forgiven by You...To be loved by you...I am human and I fall and I fail often....And I know I will be asking forgiveness again for things that I will do....Jesus just clear the confusion in my mind and in the mind of others who deal with things in life that knock us flat on our face...Help us know we haven't gone to far and that you are willing to forgive us...Thank you Jesus...Thank you for a new start..

Ahead

written:8-29-10  Look ahead, do not look behind you..For past is past, present is now and future is to come..Behold, for I am doing a new thing..
Do not be blinded by circumstances or issues that rise in life. I have not left you to walk alone.
Wherever you go I am there.You cannot escape My presence or the call upon your life.
You do not nor have you ever walked alone.I go before you and clear the path in front of your feet.
As you step out and put one foot in front of the other, it is my footsteps you walk in.I have cleared the way, I have set angels to your left and to your right, I stand before you and behind you. You are not unprotected. You are not without help. Feel the breeze of my presence, my protection surrounds you with every step you take. Do not look behind you, only ahead of you.
Where you came from and what you have been through doesn't define who you are. Your past was a set up for the marvelous future ahead of you.
Walk child, walk...I am with you..

Thank You Father

Days go by Father God and I feel so alone but I know you are so close. Many times I ran from you and in my despair felt as if you left me. You never left me for it was me who ran. I ran back to the world and the nothingness it had to offer me.
Father God thank you for keeping your arms open to me inspite of myself and what I have done to you and many others.
I run from darkness..I keep a steady pace now running to the light. You Father God are the light.
For a while I had hidden in the darkness concealing my shame and wicked ways from all the people around me, but you oh Lord, you seen it all. You seen as I was bent over backwards in sin, shame and hurt. You were there. Thank you!
You stood by me Father and never hid yourself from me.
In my darkness I seen light but I continued to run from it. Deeper and deeper I plunged into the life myself and satan had created. For a while I felt sorry for myself..For a while I gave up hope..I never lost it Lord I gave it up. Now once again I possess that hope.
I now know I have a place to stand, for I know you stand right beside me. I stand with my head held high.
I ask you Father, if I begin to fall catch me.
Comfort me when I hurt.
Heal me in any sickness.
Deliver me Father from things that claim to have a hold on me.
Fill me with your compassion, your love, strenght, joy.
Sustain this life you have given me.
Make me a person after your own heart Father.
Help me to look at others and see them as you do. Someone created in your image who you love dearly.
Remind me how you cried for Lazarus everytime sorrow comes.
Remind me how you washed the feet of others when I become full of pride.
Remind me Lord of you...Remind me of you on the cross everytime I feel life is not worth living
or I feel as if no longer want to breath another breath.
Teach me Father God how precious life is to you.
Paint a picture in my spirit and in my mind of all you have done for me and continue to do.

Father, what I mean to say is forgive me for all I have done to you and others and teach me your ways and yours alone.
Father I'm coming home.
Thank you for leaving a light on.

Walk With Me

I am calling you out..Kneel before the cross and allow flesh to die...I am the God who called you...Who named you..Seek me now..I called you out from the begining...I know your name..I know who you are...I see all you will do.. The move of the spirit through you they will know who I Am..Rise children of The Lord Most High...the Groom awaits his bride...Dressed in white splendor sealed with the promises of the Great I am...Rise for I am calling you out...I say come up here...Walk with me...Lay flesh down...See for I open a door..I say here I Am...Come up here...Walk with me...I am calling you to walk in the high places with me...Lay your flesh down..See for I show you the way,walk in it..Walk in confidence for I am with you..Rejoice in the wilderness for I am calling you to a new place..In you I will birth a new thing for all to see, they will cry surly God has not forgotten them...Walk with me ...I am calling you out...Lay your flesh down for it cannot go where I am taking you..Lay it down.

I'll meet you at the house

Much to often I can't tell you how I feel, but right now I feel hurt, so confused, my heart aches and feels broken. I feel alone. Day after day you suffer ,your body aches .You so long to be set free from all the hurt and pain. Even now as I look at pictures from your youth..I see eyes not full of peace, but of hurt and pain. Mom,Jesus wants you. He's calling you home. Your eyes of sorrow and your body of pain will be no more. Your broken body will be transformed into one that is glorious and perfected in the image of God. You will not hurt anymore, you will not cry out in pain but you will rejoice as Jesus allows you to take your rest. Rest you so much deserve. I pray peace Mom..peace..peace and joy..The joy of the Lord. I know your spirit is willing to stay, but your body is weak..I know you are tired..so it's ok I understand why you need to go .I love you and will forever miss you but I understand. I will see you once again in the presence of our Maker. I will not cry Mom, but instead I will rejoice .I will rejoice in the fact that you are broken no more...Lord God this is your daughter..my mother..I know you will take care of her for you loved her long before I even knew her...I ask you Lord to please do one thing for me...every evening walk up to her and whisper in her ear I love you...then when shes not looking come behind her and surprise her with a hug...p.s ....Lord let her know I will meet her at the house..

Expect Greater

Come let us walk together. Let us reason about that which has happened.
I call you by name yet you still don't come.
The gifts I have given you are not dormat nor are they revoked or recalled.
You chose to bury those gifts and not use them.
I have set before you a choice..Now you choose.
Walk with me, come up here.
I will show you things that you know nothing of. I have called you by name even before I laid the foundations.
I chose you before I said let there be.
Before I said let there be you were already with me.
Don't look for me to move in the ways I did in the past.
Expect a new move, a greater move.
I am doing something new and if you will walk with me you will be a part of it.
I am doing a new thing and the old cannot stay.
I am the God of new things.
New things, a greater move of the Spirit.
I am doing a new thing in all who will follow, all who will allow me to reach a depth of them they thought they had hidden from me.
You must get the old out of the way to make room for the new.
So let us reason together about that which has happened.
I am calling to my people, stand still and allow me to be God.
Expect a greater move.

In your presence Lord, that is where I long to dwell

As tears stream down my face
I wonder can I be that much of a disgrace

Sobs in the darkness
Crys hidden in the night
Lonliness sets in
Thank God it's almost daylight

Where has peace gone
The rooms in this house seem so empty
My mind wanders
Lord, this feeling feels so wrong

I have hidden myself from you out of shame
Times got hard, I needed help
Then and only then I called your name

I don't wish to dwell in darkness anymore
I am the empty house

These rooms are empty
Tell me what for
Is is because I thought my ways were better than yours
How foolish of me

My flesh is tormented
My spirit is burdened
I long for you my LORD

I have hit bottom and have nowhere else to go
The cry from my heart is no longer help
It's save me Lord

My life is headed nowhere fast
This I know

Walk in the midst of this darkness
Scatter it with your light
Before the early morning dawns
I pray you meet me in this midnight

You are Creator
You are Friend
I know you do not desire for me to meet a meaningless end

The world has offered me much
But nothing of substance
Pacified and dazzed by worldly riches before me

If I were to sit on a throne and rule a nation
Would this world adore me
Some may adore
Others would pray for me to be stricken down
Put back under the earth in the ground

How terrible some would say
Others would rejoice in that time, in that day

Lord God
I do not want to be adored by many
Just accepted by you

Adored and loved by many
Yet upon death I depart for hell
That must not be my end Lord
For it is in your presence I long to dwell

Fill these rooms Lord
Once again, fill this place
So that upon my death and judgment I am not a disgrace
A disgrace to you my King
For in this mortal life it is not man I long to please
It is you Father
You are what I need

In darkness I do not wish to dwell
Nor in the pit with satan and his so called family in hell

In your presence Lord
In your presence
That is where I long to dwell..

You showed me

In the midst of chaos I called upon you. In a still small voice you answered me.
As I sat and wept with a broken heart you comforted me. As I was wrongly accused by man you found me not guilty in your eyes.
As I walked through life and many put me down you raised me up.
When I could not speak you understood my tears and seen my heart.
When I could not pray you prayed for me.
When I stumbled and fell in the mud of life and felt so dirty, You washed me clean.
When I felt as if I could not go any longer,You cheered me on.
When all I could see is death, You showed me life.
Thank you Jesus.

I have not forgotten you

I walk into your sanctuary,I sit upon your pew and thoughts begin to form in my mind.Have I been left out oh Lord.My God where are you...Why do you hide your face from me....Thoughts continue....have I offended you my Lord...Why won't you draw near....I stand to my feet and begin to praise you in-spite of how I feel.The sweetness of the sound of Holy Spirit filled prayers echo in the room...Are you here Lord....I hush my voice and drift off in the sound of prayers spoken in the spirit by all the believers around me..are you here Lord.The sweetness once again consumes me,but are you here Lord...I put one foot in front of the other and slowly make my way to the altar...surely you must be there Lord......I stand before you stripped naked of all my pride.I am humble before you...are you here Lord....I raise my hands and tears begin to fall..sorrow fills my heart...have you left me Lord....My heart is in peices..my words are few,but my thoughts are many.Have you forsaken me..have you left me...Surely you must see my tears..surley you know the depth of my broken heart...where are you Lord.....Are you not the God who promises to comfort the broken.he who collects and wipes away my tears..he who gives beauty for ashes....Can't you see me...hear me oh Lord..I lay here as ash at your feet..Pour your spirit on me and form something beautiful..
I hear you Lord...your speaking to me..I hear you as you whisper..Be still child I am here..It is man who goes by emotions and feelings not me...You may not feel me but I am with you...Your life has been consumed by emotions and feelings..feelings man caused..feelings of hurt and shame..I will break the cycle of emotions thoughts and actions consuming you.I will plant you as an oak by the waters..when the flood comes you will not be consumed for I am raising you up for a time to come..a time that is near at hand..your branches may break and your leaves will fall but in the end you will be restored to beauty..I will raise you up and water you by my spirit..I see your tears.I see your heart..I see the broken places and I have not rejected you for how you feel..but I will raise you up..I've had your life in my hands even before I spoke the words let there be..Child I have not forgotten you..you will sit in my lap and listen to my heart beat..you are special to me..I have a place for you..remember I am raising you up..and I am with you.

The Book of your Life

Your life in my hands is like a book with every page filled and written neatly on by My hand.
Your life in your hands is like a book with scattered words written across the pages. Not making sense to you or those who read it. Torn pages, glimpses of hurt and pain. A story only half written, unorganized and not legible.
I have your life written out the way it should be in a fulfilling way. Hurt and sorrow are written upon the pages but hope and life are there also.
Let me take the pen you hold in your hand that writes the scattered broken pages of a book you were not meant to author. I will open my book and you will walk out all I have written for you ....
I am the the author and the finisher.
Allow my will to flow through you..Beauty, creativity..All I give to you..
Yes you are a mess but you are my mess.I love you just as you are..
If only you would allow me to show you the pages I have written for you...You are in such an emotional struggle..I am here...I have not left..I am not far from you..I will show you my goodness if you allow me to.
You write, scribble and throw away pages your trying to make-make sense. Pages only I can write and have written already.
Each stroke of the pen..hurt, pain, despair..Why child?
Allow me to overcome the life that scribbles those pages and watch what beauty can be written in between those lines of hurt...
I am here..I love you..I have not rejected..I am the author of the book you try to write..The book of your life..